9/13/2020 1 Comment Grandparent's day love letterGabriella SwartwoodMost grandparents are under an amazing spell where they are only able to see the best in their grandchildren. Literally, it makes it almost impossible for them to see anything negative in the personality or behavior of grandchildren.They cherish you and see you for who you are but at the same time, are keenly aware of the generations of other relatives in your appearance, mannerisms, aptitudes, and general personality. Just being around you is pure delight.
Grandparents can give the gift of lack of judgement. Perhaps because they are not raising you, they have a luxury they did not have as parents themselves: they are not directly (most of the time) responsible for how you develop. Instead, they teach you what it is like to be cherished and loved unconditionally. This is an amazing gift and raises the bar for what to expect in future relationships. Now as a parent myself, it is pretty amazing to watch the relationship between my kids and their grandparents. It is rather fascinating to see grandparents' attributes and even likes and dislikes reflected in my children. I hope that all readers can be so lucky now and in the future. Having the support and wisdom of grandparents greatly enhances your life as a mother or father. So cheers to grandparents everywhere, everyday. Special respect to those who also serve as parents to their grandchildren. May we know them well, prioritize loving and attending to them, and may we be lucky enough to be grandparents one day in the future.
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6/17/2020 0 Comments Rechargelauren caseLast Saturday morning, at precisely 5:22 am, I sat in my kitchen ordering groceries. It was a peaceful moment, the windows were open, the birds were singing and the sunlight was just starting to peek in my windows. At precisely 5:34 am, I heard the bells from the cat’s collars jingle, followed by very fast footsteps that sounded an awful lot like the footsteps of a three-year-old boy chasing a cat.
Well, that was short-lived! I had a few minutes before my middle son, Liam, would either come searching for me or do something that would require me to go searching for him. But still, it had already been a much better morning than most. The typical morning usually includes Liam waking up between 2 and 4 o’clock, checking to make sure the sky is not falling and then wandering in and snuggling as close to me as possible. Then sometime around 5:30 am, it is all systems go. My children operate at one level, and most of the time my mornings are unpleasant and a bit rocky. But today, I decided to get ahead of the chaos. I thought about going for a morning walk, but the nagging need to order groceries won that internal battle. While the computer was booting and I was heating some tea, I glanced at my journal on the counter. I made a mental note to take a few minutes and write as soon as I was done ordering groceries. Liam, however, had other plans. As soon as I clicked submit order, I heard those jingles, and a few short minutes later, I heard a sweet and tired voice say, “good morning mommy, I’m awake.” I looked at my three-year-old son, and although I am flooded with love and joy to see him, I am also left feeling bitter about the short time I had to myself. Despite everything, I am relieved he seems to have woken up on the right side of the bed, and I am thankful that I got to complete one item off my list. After I put on some morning cartoons, I started to think about all the things I am not doing, and then before I knew it, I was in the middle of my very own personal pity party. Within minutes, my mind shifted from contentment to bitterness. I felt drained, but I heard my heart telling me to write and I knew I had at least one episode of Paw Patrol before I would get breakfast started. I opened my journal and began to write the following; I need to recharge, so before I can write anything remotely productive, inspiring or relevant to anything, I need to grant myself permission to take a break from my daily list and focus on recharging my battery. Great, but how? What are things I enjoy to do that also don’t feel like work? Writing calligraphy, singing, running, cooking, reading. That’s it. I give myself permission to do any or all of those things today when time allows, but also to take 15 minutes to myself to do some deep meditation and I will not feel guilty about not writing any assignments, I will not feel guilty for not folding laundry or scrubbing bathrooms, today, I recharge. And, I did. Throughout the day I made time to go for a run, spent a few minutes doodling while my kids painted rocks, played some music we all sang along to, baked up a quick and simple treat and between naps and bath time, I read for a few short minutes. When I stop to really think about it - my day was just as busy and consuming as any other day, but the difference was that I gave myself permission to do things that bring me joy before doing things that look a bit more like household chores and responsibilities.. And then a light bulb flickered. The difference between feeling joy or feeling guilt is permission. It is just that simple, yet so incredibly challenging to do. Somewhere along the way, whether it is how I was raised, or societal influences, or maybe just the way I am wired, I began to feel guilty for feeling joy. I am not sure if this makes sense or resonates with you, but when I acknowledge something that makes me happy or if I feel joyous for a blessing that comes into my life, I feel guilt that I am feeling something or experiencing something that someone else is not. So, I felt so much joy last Saturday, that the following day I actually felt guilty. So what did I do? I took my feelings and I made them small, but in the process, I made myself small. Because if I am small, then those big feelings can’t fit inside of me. And then before I knew it, I was feeling shame and guilt, and I spent the day scrubbing floors, folding laundry, and being bitter and angry. That cycle is a disaster. Thankfully, I have spent nearly a year deconstructing my brain with a therapy called EMDR and I have grown skilled at stopping those disasters from stealing hours, days, and (at one point) weeks from my life. After I steamed the floors and screamed at everyone in my family, I sat with my feelings, retraced my thoughts, and read the words in my journal that started this cascade of events. I need to recharge, so before I can write anything remotely productive, inspiring or relevant to anything, I need to grant myself permission to take a break from my daily list and focus on recharging my battery. Great, but how? What are things I enjoy to do that also don’t feel like work? Writing calligraphy, singing, running, cooking, reading. That’s it. I give myself permission to do any or all of those things today when time allows, but also to take 15 minutes to myself to do some deep meditation and I will not feel guilty about not writing any assignments, I will not feel guilty for not folding laundry or scrubbing bathrooms, today, I recharge. Ah, there it is. I need to recharge. I need permission. Once I re-read my words, I gave myself permission to shed the guilt and shame and when I came back downstairs, I wasn’t angry at the laundry or the dishes, and I didn’t spend the day scrubbing bathrooms as my punishment for experiencing joy. I gave myself permission to be balanced. I told myself, “I don’t need to use up my entire battery before I take a break! I am worthy enough to pause, recharge, and then keep going.” If you are like me, I am telling you, GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to pause and recharge - don’t wait until you’ve got nothing left, pause, be still, and recharge as often and as joyfully as you need. 5/20/2020 0 Comments Anxiety BoxLauren CaSeSometimes when I am stressed out or anxious about something - whether it be a project, a deadline, an engagement, or just simply that I don’t feel great about myself - I tend to lash out at my family and those closest to me. You know the story, mom walks into the kitchen and see’s one dirty dish and subsequently, she flips out, turns the house upside down, and puts herself in timeout - but it was never about the dish and it will never be about the dish. Unfortunately, that scene plays out in my home more than I would like to admit. Recently, I have been feeling on edge, more than usual. I know there are tons of contributing factors, and I am certainly not the only person feeling this way, but that doesn’t make how I am feeling any bit easier. In the middle of a mental storm, it is hard to step back and go through my mental health checklist with rationality and grace. But hard does not mean impossible - and if we go back to my last blog about silence, I highlight how crucial it is to take a moment, do the hard work, place our pride aside (at least in my case), and recenter. I will be honest - this morning, I lost it on my family and I started feeling that internal drive to run… run… run… run anywhere, run away, run, just run away. Over the years, I have learned when I start to feel like running away to a coastal town and never coming back, it means I have neglected myself too much. So, when I get that desire to run away, my alarms get triggered and I know I must go through my mental health and safety checklist, put everything down and pick myself back up. I also learned (the hard way), that running away from everything feels great at the moment, but all those things I was running from (ghosts, demons, skeletons, or whatever you call them) will catch up and haunt me wherever I am until I train them, slay them, or banish them for good. For me - my dark and scary demons are a part of who I am - they help me connect, empathize and discover new creative outlets - I don’t want to banish them but I also don’t want them to take over. There is a balance I try to maintain - and when I feel like running, that means I’m no longer balanced and I need to let more light into my soul, reconnect with God, and remember that I am not equipped to handle or control what is outside of my reach. When when I try to control what is outside of my reach, or what I like to call, The Unknown, the gates fling wide open and instead of sunshine and rainbows pouring out, anxiety, worry, fear, and stress flood me until I’m in that fight or flight mode, and flight (my desire to run), takes over. So - how do we fight the unknown? I can tell you how I fight the unknown - and I hope you will give it a try. A few years ago, I was shopping at the Dollar Store for some kid crafts, and I came across an adorable and colorful box with an elephant on the front. It was nothing fancy, but it was sturdy and just the right size to hold post-it notes (which was my original thought). This little box made its way home, along with the other crafts, and as I was placing my stack of post-its into it, I wrote myself a message on the top note. “Be still.” I closed the box and went about my day. A few days later, I opened the box to grab a post-it and I was taken back. I will be honest, I was confused and it took me a few moments to recall that I wrote the message. At that moment, I realized how powerful my message was and decided to change the purpose of the little box from post-it holder to my anxiety holder. I began ripping off post-its and writing... “Jeff’s job situation.” “Lucas’s amniocentesis.” “Financial stability.” ‘Mom’s health.” “Tom and Cindy’s move.” I wrote about 15 different messages and wrote the date on each of them. Then, I folded the paper and placed them into the box. As I did that, I said a small prayer asking God to take these stresses and anxieties off of my mind and heart and handle them for me. Every day as new and different anxieties entered my soul, I wrote them down on a piece of paper, folded it, dated it, and placed it in the box. Almost immediately, I felt lighter and less on edge, and in a few short weeks, writing the unknowns (as I call them) became habit and as routine as brushing my teeth. Here is what happened. This little box served as a tool to filter out things I could control and things I could not control. Once I filtered out all the things I could not control, all the things I could control suddenly became less overwhelming, they became more attainable and it became crystal clear how much my head was filled with things that drained me of joy and serenity. If you are thinking, okay great, but I have this box filled with little papers of all my worries - now what? About 2 months after starting, I opened the box and went through each message. When I did, something magical happened, I came across messages filled with worries and concerns that had resolved without me worrying about it every minute of every day. Sure - I had a part in the resolution, but my part wasn’t discovering the final solution. My part was walking the journey and learning what I could control versus what I couldn’t, and the final solution was a beautiful combination of fate and free-will. So, as I sit here writing this, I am reminded that my dark and scary demons can easily be reigned in by letting go of what I can’t control, being still, and trusting myself to handle what I can control. I would love for you to create your own anxiety box and I hope you will share your own personal discoveries with me! Blessings and peace! 5/13/2020 0 Comments Sound of silenceLauren CaseSpeak only if it improves upon the silence. -Ghandi. A few years ago my husband asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day. I told him an entire day, or weekend alone - in complete and utter silence. My husband looked at me dumbfounded, and instead of a weekend of pure bliss, I parented, cooked, cleaned, hosted family and went hiking - I will be fully transparent here, I was not a happy woman. My husband has since learned that what I cherish most, more than spa treatments, flowers, chocolates, and even ice cream, is silence. Silence is not something I experience often, in fact, most people don’t. Even if you are not a mother or a father, you may have pets, or parents, or work obligations, etc. But, with three children, silence is something I cherish, and when I have an opportunity to steal a few moments, guilt often takes over and ruins the moment. If this sounds like you, I don’t have the secret to put the guilt aside, but I can tell you that searching and discovering true stillness will help make those guilt-free moments even more rewarding. I don’t mean being physically still, though that often comes as a byproduct - but I mean, the stillness of the mind. When I take my morning shower, if I am lucky, I am doing so without children asking me a million questions, but even in those moments my mind is racing with the to-dos of the day. In the quieter moments of the week, which are much harder to come by since COVID - my mind is still always on - like open apps on a phone running and draining the battery in the background. This constant pulling of energy is debilitating - and at the end of my day, I often wonder why I am so mentally exhausted, stressed out, and anxious - even after a day that wasn’t necessarily filled with tending to the constant needs of my children. Then, the guilt creeps in again. “I am not grateful enough...I will miss the sounds of my kids… I should be thankful I have kids and sounds…and the list goes on.” Well, here’s the thing - I am grateful for all of those things, but I am also REALLY tired and even though I wouldn’t trade my life for all the silence in the world, a little bit of silence is something that I need, like water, and food, and sleep, to function at my best. We live in a world that is noisy - we live in a world where being heard is being seen - and we equate sound with production and purpose. I could write for days about the psychology behind silence and why it is so important to our mental health, anxiety, production, purpose, etc. Since there are medical reasons for silence, I know that enough people feel the same way that I do, and that you can more than likely relate to this in some way. Silence and stillness are bucket fillers - meaning they fill our buckets when we are drained and feeling empty. But, even though they are beneficial, many people, myself included, often avoid silence or justify reasons as to why we can’t be truly still. Being still and silent means we are not focusing on the needs of others, or listening to the latest post Malone album, or chatting with our best friend. It means we are focusing on the deepest needs of ourselves - and that level of depth, self-awareness, and reflection is terrifying. So instead of finding silence, we turn on a podcast or a Ted talk and justify our growth and development by how we respond and react to another person’s silent discoveries. Read that again - we pay, seek out, and listen to what other people have to say - ideas that were discovered in another person’s stillness, because we don’t want to be still and silent ourselves. I am a professional writer, and I write in part to inspire others, meaning I hope people read and reflect on my words. But the other part of why I write is because of what I discover in the process, and the deep sense of purpose it brings me. So, let me be clear, I am not saying we shouldn’t seek out inspiring podcasts and works that enhance our personal growth and development because we should, but not without or in place of experiencing our own depths of silence. What we discover in silence is the difference between words being nothing more than noise and words being something worth learning from. Silence speaks volumes and silence can never be misquoted. So - what does silence mean to you? By now you know I love music - here is one of my FAVORITE songs of all time - yes, I like the original by Simon and Garfunkel, but Disturbed's rendition is incredible! Enjoy! 5/6/2020 0 Comments #reyogaLauren CaseReady for a massive truth bomb? I dislike yoga, A LOT! I love to exercise and I thrive on pushing myself if I am weight training or running, but when it comes to yoga - I will find every excuse as to why I can’t do it. I have found myself making comments like, “yoga isn’t challenging enough” or “yoga doesn’t get my heart rate up enough”. But the truth bomb isn't that I dislike yoga, it's that I dislike being uncomfortable. When I am running or lifting weights, my mind drifts off and I transform into a badass mythical creature throwing weights around. I am only able to see the things I am capable of, the rush behind what I can do - it’s empowering and I like being empowered. But, when I do yoga - my mind doesn’t go anywhere, I am trapped focusing on all the things I can’t do. It’s just me, my very loud mind, and my completely stiff and unbending body. I can’t touch my toes, I can’t bend sideways, I can’t clasp my hands over my head, I can’t balance, I can’t breathe, and I can’t believe how much I suck at yoga. When the yoga teacher says, “don’t focus on anyone but yourself, this is your practice…”, I immediately focus on everyone else in the room. In my mind, everyone else is a master yogi, focused, centered, beautiful, glowing... and then there is me, sweating more than I should, panting, grunting and feeling pain in literally every bone and muscle in my body. Yep. I feel so NOT empowered after a yoga session. What does that say about Yoga… or me? Well, for one, it means I need to do more Yoga - and two, the practice of yoga isn’t the problem, I am. But you know what’s amazing about problems? They have solutions, and sometimes, more than one. It took me a long time to learn that when something makes me uncomfortable it means I am being pushed to the edge of my comfort zone. Like most people, meeting that resistance makes me want to turn back and find my safe space, and I have even justified my stopping or avoiding yoga by telling myself things like, “I did the best I could”, or “I will try again tomorrow.” Minds are powerful, and when I lie to myself about what a great effort I put into a yoga class, it doesn’t make me feel any better. Here’s the thing - I know I am lying to myself because I am never disappointed after yoga, just angry. How can I feel disappointment when I had no expectations of putting forth any real effort to begin with? Ten or so years ago, I tried out for American Idol and I made it through the first few rounds. I did everything correct leading up to my audition, and I continued to make my vocal health a top priority throughout the competition rounds. When I was finally let go from advancing any further, I was devastated and truly saddened. Most importantly, I was disappointed. I did not fulfill my hopes or expectations despite giving it my very best effort. We cannot experience disappointment without defining our hopes and expectations, but we can fail by not even trying. Did I fail to advance further in American Idol? Absolutely - but not once did I ever see myself as a failure or take it as a sign that I should give up. But - after every single yoga session, I feel like the world’s biggest failure. What is the difference? How can two unsuccessful and failed situations yield two entirely different feelings and results? The difference is where we are in our comfort zones. We cannot find success without experiencing disappointment, we cannot experience disappointment unless we try, and when we try, we cannot fail. The difference is that in one scenario I tried - and in the other… I failed to try. Deborah Maggoch said it best; “The only real failure is the failure to try, and the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment.” So, in honor of stepping outside of our comfort zone and the all new #REyoga feature in our magazine, I am going to commit to RENEWING my body, RENEWING my mind, and RENEWING my spirit with YOGA. I chose this youtube channel, and I am committing myself to trying it for the full 30 days (from May 6 to June 5). For me, this challenge is about honoring the importance of what it means to try and earning the right to be disappointed in my trials. If my words resonated with you, join me on this #REyoga challenge as I push the limits of my comfort zone and turn this trial into a triumph! Share your journey with me at [email protected] or drop a comment below! Stay tuned for a special #REyoga feature post - I will be introducing you to an amazing local yogi and sharing her mind, body, and soul wisdom! You can catch a glimpse of her in action in this months magazine! Sign up to receive the magazine below! |